Let me just get this out finally and hopefully I will feel better. Seems like if I get things off my chest here and expose myself then it gets resolved somewhat and I feel dumb for what I posted. SO that is my strategy now, I tried just avoiding it here but obviously that is not working.
AND let me just say for the record that yes, this is my little pity party and I know that Millions of people have it so so so much worse than me with deformities and real poverty and a plethura of things, so I know that.
I'm getting this wierd desparation panicky thing. Christmas is REALLY depressing me. I hate commercials about christmas. I dont want to hear about it. Its a good thing I decorated it already because at this point it may not have happened. I get down when I see people with their shopping carts all full of stupid useless crap that they are getting ready to buy. I was really down today when I went to Wal-Mart (a place I truly hate) to get what I could for as little as I could and I had my little list and I am just ashamed at what my kids will be eating for the next week or so. Yes, it is food but it is not good. I really do know better but there is nothing I can do at this moment. Then I read Parttimemoms blog and she had a link to another blog where there was an article about this very thing(poor folks must want to be fat). It just really brought everyting together for me right now. I was literally bawling. Mark had over 1,000 dollars of work scheduled for friday and everybody cancelled. Right when rent is due and a bunch of other stuff. I feel like I am being punished by God, I am so not kidding. I know that is not true but it feels true. Mark is working hard. Good things are in the future. We have a good plan. But its nothing that can help me right now. How many more years can I be expected to TAKE THIS?? I'm so mentally exhausted over it all. I had a small panic attack earlier. The kids had soaked the bathroom and woudn't get out of the tub. They were all talking to me at once and not listening. I just couldnt take another second. I crashed in bed for about an hour and I felt better. At least I stopped feeling my pulse through my whole body. Mark thinks I'm such a whiny wimp. I know he does and it hurts. I think he feels like its more his burden since its his resposibility, but I feel like I'm just a passenger on a derailed train and all I can do is keep the impact to a minimum. Its so hard to be so out of control of my own life. I do wonder all the time...what would I be doing if i just had a husband and no kids? Single and a good job doing hair? What kind of car would I drive? Would I have bought a house by now? I don't think its healthy. My mom couldn't hack it and took off when I was 9 and my little bros wer 3 and 5. We were raised by my dad and step mom(better anyway). SO NO WAY am I going anywhere. Besides the fact I am totally in love with Mark and the kids. But I know the impact of that kind of thing and I think that is what is what makes me feel so guilty for having these "what if" thoughts. So I escape to computerland. I do barely what I have to to get by. I am getting released from the scouts and I feel guilty for being so happy about it. Cade is going to be so disapointed. But I'm off the hook with that one.
I feel like poor white trash. I feel like a shlumpy mom who feeds her kids mac and cheese as a dinner meal intead of an after-school snack. My kids have worn-out clothes and shoes with shredded laces. And theres nothing I can do about it right now. I have to live with it and find a way to be happy about it. I will eventually. Don't worry.
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5 years ago
9 comments:
OMG...Janel...I wish I was right there with ya, cause I would grab you by the shoulders, give you a big hug, and we could both have a big cry and feel better. You are an incredible mom, doing the best you can, and don't you dare think any different than that. All the thoughts you have are normal, and are OK to have...I love my boys more than anything, and would never want to be without them, but does that mean I don't ever remember the good ole days when going to the store was a luxury event, not a friggin circus...heck no, but it doesn't make me a bad mom...I am really sorry that you are having a difficult time right now...I agree with Jess...people may have bigger problems, but you know what, I care about you and your problems Janel, so you vent all you want, and I will be here to listen, hold your hand, and dry some tears if you need me too.
Hugs
xoxoxoxo
Christie
I totally understand how you feel - in the EXACT same boat as you!!!!! So when I take a look at your situation (which is truly the same as mine) I see the pictures of your kids. All 5 faces show they are absolutely not lacking in anything. You may think so and you may carry around tremendous guilt like I do especially with Christmas coming, I feel like I've got lead in the pit of my stomach. But somehow someway I get it pulled off, I don't know how. Janel you will do the same, the lean times don't last forever it sure feels like it does and it gets tiring going through it all the time but it will get better! I happen to think you're doing a fantastic job no matter what it might seem to you.
I know it's no consolation and it doesn't get the bills paid, but you are a good preson and good things happen to good people.You will soon look back at this part of your life and know there was a reason. Maybe it's to make you stronger, maybe it strengthens your marriage, BUT you will survive this and be the better. Thank you for the pics of your children, it was nice getting to read about them. I think you have more kids than I have animals, lol.I wish there was more I could offer to help, but just wanted you to know we are all here for you.
Troy.
Janel~
Try not to feel guilty about your thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I am a bad mother because I actually look forward to the alone time that Russ and I get every other week. I miss the kids terribly when they are not with me, but boy oh boy, do I love the quiet time with Russ. Does that make me a bad mom??? No and neither are you. You do the best you can with the situation you have. Your children LOVE you more than anyone. You will make it thru this.
Take care~
Stef :-)
I don't have kids (so I can't relate to that part except for that fact that I used to be one...or still am...whatever) but I definitely can relate to the financial burdens. I have been the sole bread winner for quite a while. I have been busting my butt trying to keep a roof over our head, a roof over our renters' heads, bills partially paid, etc. It sucks. Economy sucks. As far as feeling bad about feeding your kids mac-n-cheese....that's all that some kids will eat! My mom always gave me the world (or so I thought) while she did without. I appreciate soooo much what she did for me. Guess what? She worked. Just think how much better your kids have it with you being around all of the time. If I think I had it great, just think what your kids will think!
I'm sorry things are so tough right now Janel. Don't feel guitly for feeling the way that you do. Mark sounds like a great guy, but you are NOT a wimp, nor whiney.
And, we have all had our moments when we think of escaping. I have often thought.."what if I was single. Life would be GREAT!", but of course, it would just be different. I'd still have my troubles...it's hard to run away from those.
Christmas is so stressful when money is tight. I hope things look up for you in the new year.
You all sure know how to make a girl cry! I know things will get better.
You all sure know how to make a girl cry! I know things will get better.
Kim is so right Janel, your kids truly want all of that love and affection that you dole out and they will be so much more appreciative. Hang in there girl, good things DO happen to good people. God bless you and your family.
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