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5 years ago
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Downer post.....Sorry!
What am I doing???? Am I on or am I off?? I have a small confession here, it is embarassing but the reason my eating has been so off is that I literally cannot afford the food right now. What ever grocery budget I have has to be used for the kids because its so small. As it is it really isn't enough. I hate times like this. I went to get chicken the other day and I about had a heat attack when I saw the teeny pack of chicken breast for 9 dollars. Hopefully by the end of the week we'll have some money for groceries but for now its down to whats in the house. Fine for the kids, not so great for my program. I do have some eggs and some brown rice and a few things like that but unfortunatly times like these I'm not in the best place mentally, so pretty much everything goes out the window. I have so much frustration about things right now. It is turning from frustration to anger at this point. I'm not clearing myself from blame, but I'm just feeling worn out from life. The battling day in and out with the kids, the money, thesituations that arise with those 2 things. Add in a little AF with the whole thing and its a recipe for mental disaster. I was working at my brothers till 2 am and i am TIRED. I want to lay in bed and eat cookies all day. I don't want to be me. I want to be Beverly!!!!LOL And I can't even pout because if Mark catches even a whiff that I am not cheerful he gets really pissed. Plus I'm tired of yelling at the kids. I'm just sick of it. Its a lot of pressure to keep on a game face in all this. Blah blah blah I'm a big baby. I wanted to go back to bed but now I can't, I might get caught and that would be counted as not being "happy" and ruin everybodies day.
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9 comments:
That is one of the things that I am so ticked about is that my Costco membership has expired, and I can't afford the food there, let alone a new membership. >:(
And to add insult to injury, While I was laying down feeling sorry for myself, Dayton poured an entire container of parmsan cheese into the cookies. Oh well I guess he did me a favor.....except I really needed the parmesan!
Bev said it and did so more nicely than I would have. You need to just be yourself chica. Your husband will deal, especially if the alternative is that you hold it all in until you can't stand it anymore and do something drastic.
I know I need to just be myself and feel how I feel but.....The other night he told me from the heart that the ONE and only thing he needs from me is to be cheerful durning this tough time. He is just as (if not more) upset about our situation (since its his responsibility). It makes a tough thing harder on him to have a horrible day and then come home to a crabby, weepy wife who is taking it out on the kids.(he didn't actually SAY that last part)I can't do much to help finacially, but I gues I can help the overall situation with my attitude. Beleive me, I do my crying when he's gone. You guys are all so awesome and supportive, I really needed your ears today and you are here for me. OK I'm really bawling now.
I guess I am a little angry that at 32 we still don't have our crap together. I hate how he operates. I really do. HE hates it but won't or can't change it. I wish I could go back to work so bad, but no way around it, like Kim said, I'd just br working to pay a babysitter, and I'd be too tired to be an effective mom at ALL! (not that I'm doing so hot now anyway, but it would go from pretty bad to awful)I'm pretty much stuck with this. I do have a financial plan for the family and Mark is on board with it, but I'm too scared to try it yet. It s a book Jess sent me a while back. In a nutshell its BFL but for money. Its one of those DOH! commonsense plans that is very simple, but quite difficult. I know it is what I need but I havn't been able to face it yet.
I'm no marriage counselor so I can't tell you how to deal with your husband (although I agree with Bev and K that you should be able to be you), but you don't have to apologize for a "downer post" to us. It's YOUR blog. Feel what you're feeling. Get it out. We can't fix it, but we can listen, and maybe offer advice.
All these worries..money, the kids, everything..life is not always easy, and I'm sorry you have deal with all of this right now. I hope things start looking up for you soon, Janel.
Sorry Janel money is a a stressful problem and kids lets face it they can be pretty stressful too. So get your tears out go for a run and get your stress out. As for your food choices sometimes they are what they are so no point worrying about it. Chances are if you have done BFL you will not totally revert back to the old ways of eating. It is OK to be down but be careful you should not be beating yourself up for feeling that way sometimes you have to get that stresses out and that's OK. Smile we are here for you :)
Did you smile :)
:) Take care
Janel, it is so ok to feel the way you do...the stress on women and moms is just so enormous and overwhelming at times...I wish I could tell you something great that would make you feel so much better, but all I have is that I am here for you, and if you need anything, AT ALL you call me girl...you have my phone #
Hugs
Christie
God love ya honey - I know how ya feel on the "I need YOU to be chipper ALL THE TIME!!" Hubbies, they are so strong physically but so wimpy emotionally!.
Just add that hat to all the others you have to wear, it sucks but I believe that is why God gave us such big hearts. To love our hubbies when they need us to the most, even if it is reaching deeper than we ever thought we had to, to find a smile for them(wonder if we can count that as hitting a "10"????)
Many days I spend in the shower crying tears to release my fears and tensions. HE KNOWS believe me, he just doesn't know how to bring himself up and you and the kids and the situation yada yada yada.....He knows though :>
Cry away - you will feel better and be able to pick yourself up from the dirt, wipe off and say "bring it bitch!" and by "bitch" I mean all the crap, not your hubby LOL!!!
Course, like you said,Aunt Flo ain't adding anything to this situation either! Curses on you Aunt Flo, CURSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are here - rant rave cry your eyes out to us, we know, we have been there too :>
HUGS
Jo
Oh Janel!!!!!!
Quit cutting & pasting stuff from my head!!!!!!
No kidding - the only difference is the number of kids. We (me & Steve) always think we're the only ones going through this. All & I mean all of what you said we've experienced.
No help, just empathy.
Tracey
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