Be afraid.......

I feel sick in the pit of my stomach right now, because I have to go to the gym as soon as Mark gets home in the morning and do a HIIT session. I have gone through every excuse in the book, yes I need new shoes (but the treadmills are padded enough, it won't be bad) and I will be TIRED( even though I took a monster nap today) and I am WAY out of shape(but the "easing back into it" hasn't really clicked, I end up doing nothing)SO I'm left with pretty much no excuses.

Heres what has scared me back into action. I had the worst nightmare last night. Just awful. I dreamed Cade and Wyatt had died, and I was putting their bodies (broken into pieces) into big black trash bags (while crying hysterically) and then, worried that it would seem like I had killed them I was told by a friend to also put in the bags things that they had liked. So I woke up sobbing and sick (Dayton was up, disoriented and crying wandering around the house) I think it was him that actually woke me up. After a few scary, horrible moments I realized it was a dream and woah, what a relief. But still, horrible. Really scary. Today I have literally eaten all junk and drank LOTS of soda, which has (I strongly believe) resulted in 3 minor panic attacks. I have been sick to my stomach (like something was wrong) for a few days now, off and on, and I cannot figure out what it is that is causing these feelings. I keep calling Mark at work to make sure he is OK, Cade is with my dad, I just don't like it when somebody is missing from the family like that.

I just have to believe that my horrible physical symtoms are being caused by my lack of good food and water and physical activity. I look sick. I feel sick. Both Sadie and Cooper came up to me at different times today and commented that I look like I "don't have any makeup on" (that was Sadie) and Cooper said I looked "different". My stomach is distended and swollen, I'm all puffy. I did make a delicious and healthy chicken curry dinner the other night, but I ate way too much of it. I am just really needing that lean, tight feeling again. I've lived on the fit side for too long, I can't go back to this horrible chubbed out life, its too hard. Its only been a couple months and I'm miserable, I can't imagine doing this for a lifetime like so many people do.

So tomorrow is going to be really hard. It will be the toughest 30 minutes of my life (oh yeah, I need at least a 5 minute warm up and mabye even a 10 minute cooldown), it will not be pretty. Its gonna be some cellulite jigglin', booty shaken, dead-legged thunder and misery, but I gotta start somewhere. Heaven help me.

EDIT: OK well I did it. It was not pretty. My face was purple when I finished, and my time SUCKED, but I did it. I can say "oh, I'm out of shape" all day long, but then when it hits you in the face....thats not so fun. I do feel better, and I'm glad I did it. My post HIIT meal was 2 string cheese and some grapes. But then I somehow ordered an extra icecream cone from McD's....whoops. Baby steps, people. :D. The rest of today is gonna be awesome. Tomorrow...Upper body and GLUTAMINE!