anyone with insomnia try reading this-you'll be snoozing in no time!

And so on and so on. Not much going on today. Mark is working so I am pretty much stuck here with the kids. I really want to go for my run (4.5 today...EEK) and the weather is gorgeous so I want to go outside, not in the gym on a tready, that would be such a waste. So I sit here downloading music and making the kids do chores.

We went and saw Jarhead last night. Lets just say it was a little.....rough. I mean, I knew it pretty much would be, those military movies always are but this one was HOOO BOOOOY! I can't say I reccomend it though because the story was pretty anti-climactic. We just kept waiting for something to happen. In fact, I believe that was actually one of the points the movie was trying to get across, is how so much of war/battle/military service is just..waiting for something to happen. And how that does some freaked out stuff to your mind. Anyway, if you go see it don't say I did't warn you. Some scenes even got reaction from the younger crowd(17-18 yr olds) I did download the title track to run to...its good.

Thanksgiving prep continues. I got most of the stuff to do cute litle invitations to send out next week. I also got a couple things to decorate my 2 tables. Heres what I'm doing. White paper table cloths. I got 3 yards of burlap (really cheap!!) which is wide enough to cut in half and make 2 runners(no hemming required) then they had those fake carveable pumpkins for 70% off so I got 2.(4 bucks a piece) My centerpeices will be moss with pumpkins and gourds and twig berry garland all wrapped around and a couple squatty creamy colored candles. A real rustic natural look. I figure since I need to do 2 it will just have to be simple and cheap, so rustic is the way to go. I was up the other morning at 3:30, Wyatt got in bed with us and he's a cuddler, which is nice but I can't sleep with anyone touching me. so after putting him back in his bed and laying there for 10 minutes I get up and got some of the Thanksgiving planning done. I made myslef a deep cleaning schedule, made all the food assignments, put it all on a calendar and made 3 separate to do lists that correspond to the calendar. So I'm a psycho. I've done lots of Thnksgiving dinners, but I've never hosted my own extended family. It will be 20 adults and 7 kids. For most of you that read this the topic is probably the most boring things you've ever heard. But these are the stupid things I obsess over. BO-RING! Do ya think I'm trying to escape from my "real" problems?? Nah!

Tubthumpin'

I get knocked down, but I get up again.....sing with me people


SO I ate lots of candy, cried, ate more candy, cried some more but I feel better today. All of you guys posts just made me feel so much better, LOVE YA!!!! My life is still pretty sucky, but its mine so I guess I better figure it out. Oh yeah...BRING IT, BITCH!!! HAHAHA love that one, Jo. Fricken A. After I drowned my sorrows in candy I went on the chat last night and it was quite a little party. It cheered me up quite a bit. Mark was pissed off because of his day so I managed to cheer him up in a very "special" way (men are soooo easy sometimes :P) and even though I slacked the last 2 days on my training I went this morning and busted 3 miles. Its getting MUCH easier. In fact, I went a little farther than what was on the schedule so I could finish listening to the song that was playing(Kid Rock-cowboy) It has such a great intense finish its just a crime to stop running before it ends. I can't believe I ran and felt as good as I did with my nutrition being down the toilet like it has been, but whatever. I did have some toxic smelling sweat, though!!! LOL sorry, TMI

On the subject of music.........Here are the ones that are getting me off my duff and busting the miles

Eminem-Lose yourself(perfect speed to pace myself with, plus if lines like"tear this mutha fu%#&n roof off like 2 dogs caged" and "feet fail me not this may be the only opportunity that I got" and "sucess is my only mutha fu&%#n option, failures NOT" don't get you going, you really need to check your pulse!!!!!

Christina Aguilara-Fighter(the intensity at the end of this plus all the words I can always turn up the speed during this one!!!!)

Kid Rock-Cowboy-I think the lyrics are funny and it gets soooo intense at the end

SO as you can see intensity + cursing are really my ticket to sucess right now. There are a LOT of other songs that get me going pretty good but these are the top 3 at the moment.

On another music note(no pun intended hehe):Have you heard the Josh Gracin song "stay with me" ? Yeah OK its country but not really. That song is HOT! I thought it was hot but then I saw the video. Someone throw water on that man he is on fire!!!OK its not hot in a Prince sort of way, but hello..."girl your wearin me out" ???? Yowzers. Yummy!

OK last one..new fave I don't have on my player yet, but will soon......Beverly Hills by Weezer. Fave line:"where I come from isn't all that great, my automoblie is a piece of crap, my fashion sense is a little wacked, and my friends are just as screwed up as me" HAHAHA OK I'm really just laughin at myself here.....


On another happy note- My buddy Maricar and hopefully DANA and I are going clubbing on the 19th. Along with a special guest clubber: Marks cousin Curtis who is the nicest guy ever, recently divorced and just wants to get out and check out the scene. So I called and invited him and he's gonna go. We need him as dork repellent. I need a night out pretty bad and this is the time I can shed the momishness and go pretend I'm not me for a while. It will be wierd going out with someone I know from my family, Who knows what he'll think of me after this but I really don't care that much. He's really cool (pretty good looking too!) and its all innocent fun. Mark could care less who I go out with, he thinks it great Curtis is going (hes sending a spy!! No, just kidding)One thing Mark is NOT is insecure.

OK I'll shut up now

Downer post.....Sorry!

What am I doing???? Am I on or am I off?? I have a small confession here, it is embarassing but the reason my eating has been so off is that I literally cannot afford the food right now. What ever grocery budget I have has to be used for the kids because its so small. As it is it really isn't enough. I hate times like this. I went to get chicken the other day and I about had a heat attack when I saw the teeny pack of chicken breast for 9 dollars. Hopefully by the end of the week we'll have some money for groceries but for now its down to whats in the house. Fine for the kids, not so great for my program. I do have some eggs and some brown rice and a few things like that but unfortunatly times like these I'm not in the best place mentally, so pretty much everything goes out the window. I have so much frustration about things right now. It is turning from frustration to anger at this point. I'm not clearing myself from blame, but I'm just feeling worn out from life. The battling day in and out with the kids, the money, thesituations that arise with those 2 things. Add in a little AF with the whole thing and its a recipe for mental disaster. I was working at my brothers till 2 am and i am TIRED. I want to lay in bed and eat cookies all day. I don't want to be me. I want to be Beverly!!!!LOL And I can't even pout because if Mark catches even a whiff that I am not cheerful he gets really pissed. Plus I'm tired of yelling at the kids. I'm just sick of it. Its a lot of pressure to keep on a game face in all this. Blah blah blah I'm a big baby. I wanted to go back to bed but now I can't, I might get caught and that would be counted as not being "happy" and ruin everybodies day.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

I didn't do so well staying away from the candy, but it could have been far worse. Every year I realize that this is one of my favorite holidays because I LOVE dressing up my kids, and I love how excited they are. Its hard to get that kind of excitement as an adult. They had a great time tonight trick-or-treating. It was perfect weather and we went to great haunted house on our friends' porch that scared the crap out of the kids. It even freaked Cade out a little, which is VERY hard to do. We also went and trick or treated at my buddy Maricar's house(Cappie2)as a good end to the night.