I am still here

Lets just say its been a little rough this week. I've been in a decent mood but things are a little scary here. I have been coping with some financial problems for a couple years now, and since we everyone around here has been such a great support I think i finally feel comfortable sharing that Mark and I had to take a road trip this week to St. George UT to attend bankruptcy court. It was disheartening and we were so dissapointed in ourselves. I don't know why, it wasn't really our direct fault, we just had a business in 2003 that failed (a paintball retail store) and this is just the repercussion. We had filed a chapter 13 back then and were trying to pay back the debt but the huge payment had been just too much to keep up with (900 a month!!) We had to go back to court to convert into a chap 7. I read in a finance book that bankruptcy is the equivalent of death of a loved one, and divorce as far as life-trauma, I think I have to agree. Its pretty bad. I just feel like such a big LOSER. It would help if our finances now werent so slim, I guess but we are still battling it out every day. Mark and I have really pulled together, though and we are just trying to look ahead and get things on track. We used a good part of the 7 hour drive home to Make new goals and plans to execute them. I hope we bounce back from this. On the way there I told Mark I'd rather have 6 root canals and a colonic than do this. I meant it,too. It was a little bit fun to get away together, my sister came and babysat the kids overnight for us and we had a great buffet in Vegas. Our hotel was really nice too.

So now I am in recovery mode. i have dressed in my 'binge-wear' come on, you all have it. If you see me in stretchy velour pants and one of Marks big t-shirts, you know its out the window. I want a super nachos from Filibertos so bad I could cry. Its sunday, though and we don't shop on the Sabbath so I guess I'm out of luck. Cake, too. I really want some good cake. Hopefully by tomorrow this will pass.

I really do plan on getting my challenge back on track. I'm so close to my goals. I can do it. I just need to decompress from this. I took a 3 hour nap and that feels good to be rested. If I can get my house cleaned up tonight I will have the week by the tail.

I jsut want to say that I love our little blogging comunity. I appreciate everyone who reads my blog, It is so theraputic to get it all out and thank you all for being so understanding. I love reading everyones blog it really helps me. I'm am giong along with Chritie and I am banning all negative self-talk about myself. YEAH! We can rely on each others strength and we can ALL reach our goals.

I should charge admission to my living room

School is out and it is day 2. Day one was OK I took the kids to a movie at the dollar theater and that was fun, everyone was very well behaved, so that was nice. I am babysitting my nephew, My SIL and BIL (Marks sis) Are both going to school/working full time, and they don't have the same school schedule as he does. So every time my kids have time off school I have him full time. I am really trying to have a good attitude about this, but it is hard. Robert(nephew) is 12 but has some developmental and socializing problems.. in a nut shell, he's just really "different", some of that is just how he was born, some is a result of somewhat socially challenged parents. Lets put it this way, my kids are his ONLY friends. And not because he's not a nice kid, but the closest diagnosis they have come up with is Asbergers syndrome, a mild form of autism. And he's quite OCD. He love to ask me a zillion questions (some days I wish my name wasn't 'Aunt Janel")and loves to TATTLE which, lets be honest, theres plenty to tattle about around here so that gets pretty tiring. I did feel pretty bad today though, Cade was bugging him so Robert did something back(not sure what) but it put Cade on the ground wailing(probably WAY overreacting) and I just kind of wanted to see how they would handle it, so I left the room and told Mark what was going on. A minute or 2 later we check and Cade's got him in a REAR NAKED CHOKE hold, trying to pinch the life out of him! Poor Robert didn't know what hit him! Even though Robert is a little bigger, he has BAD reflexes and forget about using any in defense of himself. I felt really bad, I didn't think Cade would lose it on him like that. So my kids a big brat. He tends to get a little dramatic. In 20 minutes they had it pretty much patched up and were back to playing. Yeah, we are off of school for 2 weeks and 2 days. AARRRRRHG!!!

The Lamb Family 

Cornucopia

I know A LOT of people HATE Martha Stewart, I don't happen to be one of them. I understand why someone would dislike her, shes smug and power-hungry etc etc, I'm sure she deserved to go to jail. But I do love the style her company puts out. And I am planning Thanksgiving in my mind already. And I want it to be just like how hers would be. (yeah right) My mom used to do it before she moved and sold the big house. I am hosting for about 25 this year, I am so excited. I'm thinking of making a cool runner out of felt. To be fair to myself, the reason it has been on my mind is that I am trying to end a challenge at Thanksgiving, and I am running a 10k on the morning of it, so a little advance planning is in order. Plus, all the fall stuff in the stores is makng me get excited. Mabye I'm just happy that the hot weather is going bye bye soon. My windows and doors are open this morning and it is GORGEOUS!! I actually turned off the ac last night and it was fine. YA! I will have to turn it back on this afternoon I'm sure but if I can do only 12 hours of ac this will cut down my bill.

Mark is still talking about moving to Texas. One thing about him, he will do what he wants. he'll find a way. who knows when, but he wants to go badly. I'm like, Uh, lets just worry about getting this months rent paid first, shall we? I'm trying not to be a buzzkill, I would love to go too. Ya never know. It could be years. It could be months, It could be weeks,(well, not really)but thats how we operate.

My head cold is annoying. I can't smell the fall air very well(I know its there, I caught a whiff) and it is destroying my desire to run. I made homemade chicken noodle soup and rolls last night, it was so yummy!! Nobody was going to bring me any so I made it myself. Pretty much BFL approved, I just had a little too much of it. one word: LEFTOVERS!

I took Betagen before I lifted yesterday( I helped a friend thru my UBWO, it was fun) I could not believe how pumped my ams were. My muscles were bulging! The skin was all stretched tight. It was so amazing! I was taking it post-workout and I noticed a little after a couple days, but this was crazy! I will definetly be taking it pre-workout! I think I need to get a whole bunch of tupperware and make all my meals one day and keep them in the fridge. My eating is still not right. I am soooo close to my goal, I just have to get over this last hump. I told Mark, I think I am a little scared or something, I have never been better than what I'm at right now. (I've been skinnier once, but skinny-fat) Its not just a physical threshold, its mental. What will I really look like? Will I be happy at some point? Will my skin be gross and saggy? This is uncharted territory. I need to get over myself and just DO IT!